the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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