Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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