My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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