Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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