and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
