I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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