saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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