Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
