you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
