I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
