I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
