Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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