well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
