i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
