Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
