I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
