if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
