Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
