just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
