My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
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