Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
