I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He shit in the fireplace
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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