Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
