Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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