woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
