This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
