So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
