I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
