New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i out mim tonsoeep
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