you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
