Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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