Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
