you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My ATM looks so different sober.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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