he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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