apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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