I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Are we still banned from the library?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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