You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
