so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
