he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
