I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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