u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
