There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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