Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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