so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
