you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
