oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
