I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
