I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
