I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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