Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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