Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
