I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
